Anger in Recovery

Anger, that unpleasant feeling of annoyance, resentment, or rage you experience when a goal is blocked, your needs are frustrated, or you are attacked, is one of the most basic human emotions. It’s with you from birth to death and can be an asset or a liability, depending upon how it’s used. On the positive side, anger can help you survive assaults, correct injustices, grow, become independent, and establish better conditions. But it can also destroy property, relationships and lives, if it’s not handled properly. And banishing it is supposedly a major reason that many people drink, use drugs or act out. You have probably used your substance/activity of choice to get your anger under control or to calm yourself down after an angry outburst or argument. Unfortunately, it only works in the short term, if at all.

We experience anger in our own unique ways, but there are some common patterns seen with uncontrolled anger. It begins with a trigger: something unpleasant happens. Let’s say you were about to pull into a parking space when someone cuts in front of you and got it first. Certain thoughts arise as you evaluate the person’s behaviour and think about what happened. “Jerk! Unfair! Terrible! Awful! He shouldn’t have done that!” You respond emotionally to your thoughts with feelings of being outraged, offended and, ultimately, hopeless about changing the situation. This prompts you to act out your feelings with certain behaviours. Perhaps you pound your steering wheel, roll down the window and yell at the offending driver and if you out of control, physically confront the other driver.

In most cases, there are consequences to pay: you may feel guilty, the other guy might get out of his car and attack you, or you may be arrested. And these consequences can escalate your anger and perpetuate the cycle. The offshoot of your uncontrolled anger sequence is that you feel worse and find yourself in an even more difficult situation.

Managing Anger

Uncontrolled anger is the result of inaccurate thoughts. These thoughts may rise so naturally or so often that you don’t even recognize them. To manage anger effectively, it’s essential that you learn to think differently about the things that normally make you angry. Once you change your thoughts, your emotions and behaviour will follow suit. Note that the goal is not to eliminate anger, for sometimes it can be helpful. The point is to learn to identify anger, decide whether it’s justified, and then either control it or use it to your advantage. This is a challenge for those in recovery because addiction causes inaccurate thinking that may trigger unnecessary anger. There are five techniques that can help you manage your anger.

1. Change you’re thinking about the situation. When you are angry, you’re thinking can become exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these inflammatory thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of catastrophizing and saying, “Oh, this is the worst thing and everything’s ruined,” remain calm and say to yourself, “This is frustrating but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it.” Logic or clear thinking is an excellent tool for defeating anger because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So, use cold, hard logic. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you; you’re just experiencing some rough spots. Try changing your thoughts and applying logic each time you feel anger getting the best of you and you will get a more balanced perspective.
2. Look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. Suppose your friend Amanda said she was going to meet you at a mutual friend’s party, but she didn’t show up. Before you get too steamed up about it, try to imagine why she didn’t come. Is she under a lot of stress?

Could she be sick? You might also ask yourself why Amanda’s presence is so important to you. Do you have unrealistic expectations about the friendship? Are you making demands that she cannot fulfill? When you look at it from the other person’s point of view, you realize that there are reasons why things may not be exactly the way you want them to be.

1. Ask yourself if your thoughts are accurate. Accurate thoughts can be supported by facts; inaccurate thoughts cannot. It’s important that you examine your thought process when anger arises, to test their accuracy. To do this effectively, it is useful to write your thoughts down, so that you can more easily identify and change distortions in your thinking. Following are a few examples of inaccurate thoughts:
   • If she really cared, she wouldn’t have done that.
   • She should understand what I’m going through.
   • He must not want me to succeed if he does that.

All these statements would be difficult to prove. Ask yourself if you can back up your thoughts with facts. If you can’t, postpone your angry reaction until the facts are clear.

1. Think of happy or pleasant times in the past. When you find yourself in an anger provoking situation, it’s helpful to visualize some pleasant scenarios that can help you diffuse the anger. Try thinking of the following when you feel yourself losing your fight against anger:
   • The first time you fell in love
   • The best present you ever received
   • The time you’ve spent with a beloved pet, friend, or family member
   • A dream that really came true
   • The best vacation you ever had
   • Your favorite walk in the park or forest

Visualization or imagery does not appeal to everyone, but if it works well for you, set aside 15 minutes per day, every day for a week, to practice visualizing pleasant scenarios. Some people find it helpful to list the four or five enjoyable scenarios they have practiced on an index card. When they’re angry, they pull the card from their wallet or purse, select one scenario, and start imagining. Remember why this technique is helpful: if you can concentrate on a pleasant scene, you may be able to stop the negative thought patterns that trigger uncontrolled anger. Once you have calmed down, you can analyze your inaccurate thoughts and create accurate thoughts to replace them.

1. Think first, speak carefully. Angry people tend to jump to conclusions, some of which can be very inaccurate. If you find yourself in a heated discussion, slow down and think through your response. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen to what is underlying your anger. Suppose, for example, you like your freedom and personal space, while your significant other wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your solo activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer or an albatross around your neck. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and help your partner understand yours. It’s natural to get defensive when you are criticized, but don’t rush to fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your or your partner’s anger cause the discussion to spin out of control.

Taking Responsibility

When you do something you don’t feel good about, the first impulse may be to try to convince yourself and others that it wasn’t your fault. For example, you don’t really feel good about being violent or abusive and you know that it was wrong, but you try to deny responsibility for your behaviour. Below are some common ways that people deny responsibility for their angry behaviour:

• • Blaming. She provoked me. He made me do it. She just wouldn’t shut up. If he wasn’t such a jerk. You know how men are.
  • Justifying. I had the right. I had no other choice. I had to. It was necessary. She hit me first.
  • Blaming. I had too much to drink. I had a really bad day. There’s never any money. The kids… Her parents… If it wasn’t for…
  • Minimizing. It was only a slap, not real violence. In all the years we’ve been married, I only lost it a few times. It’s not that big of a deal.

Denying responsibility is an attempt to shift the blame: somehow you became the victim, not the aggressor. But when you see yourself as the victim (of your partner, the system, society, or current circumstances) you give away your personal power. In truth, you are in control of yourself. You choose your emotions, actions, and reactions to both circumstances and the behaviour of others. Although you aren’t responsible for everything that happens to you, you are responsible for your reactions. And when you take responsibility for your actions, you put yourself in a position of power, increasing your ability to take charge of yourself and your life. One of the best ways to stop anger before its starts is to take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour. You can accomplish this by following seven steps:

• • Make a commitment to change. The first step on the journey is to define the change you want to make and decide that you’re going to stick with the program and achieve the goals.
  • Seek relationships and activities that are positive. When you feel good about your life, you will automatically be less negative and angry.
  • Take care of yourself. Self-care lies at the heart of taking responsibility for yourself. Pay attention to your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.
  • Broaden your resources and support system. Surround yourself with supportive people who want you to be clean and sober. Go the meetings and share honestly about how you are feeling.
  • Give yourself permission to say no. Draw clear boundaries and set limits to protect yourself and your physical, emotional, and financial health. Don’t do things just to please others. Otherwise, you are likely to feel used, abused, resentful, and angry.
  • Set realistic, reachable goals. Think about what you’ve easily achieved in the past, then set your next goal once step beyond. When you reach this goal, set another slightly beyond it. Don’t aim for perfection if you haven’t made all the stops along the way. Be sure to pat yourself on the back as you reach each goal.
  • Let go. Make peace with yourself concerning situations you can’t control and let them go. This is doubly important if you choose to remain in frustrating situations. Remember that you can only control yourself.

(adapted from Healing the Addicted Brain by H. C. Urschel, 2009)