We cannot have healthy relationships without a persistent effort to keep our side of the street clean. We are going to need to face our mistakes and keep a solid alliance with ourselves as we sail into unchartered waters. There are many dangerous currents (such as false-pride) and riptides (such as self-hate) that lie ahead, and if we don’t support ourselves on this journey we will end up sinking, drowning, or relapsing. Our efforts in working Steps, 8, 9 and 10 provide tangible evidence of our serenity and the depth of our commitment to this new way of life.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Transformational Value: Integrating self-examination, self-regulation, and emotional maturity into our lives. If we were rigorous in making amends, we have forgiven ourselves for what we have done wrong and realized
that we don’t have to be perfect. We understand that being authentic and honest is more important than being
perfect. We accept that we are a work in progress. To continue maturing emotionally and spiritually we need to integrate what we have learned about ourselves and human relations into a new way of life. We need a practice that will continue to promote honest self-appraisal, self-awareness, self-regulation, and responsibility. We need a practice that will put the best of ourselves in charge of an ongoing self-examination and a prompt admission when we are wrong. Bill W. noted that “No one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 88). Step 10 involves different kinds of inventories.
The spot check inventory is used to recover our emotional balance before we react to make things worse. This inventory is taken whenever we are emotionally tangled up or upset, at any time of the day. We use this inventory to figure out what is going on with us when we are upset or angry. As Bill W. wrote, “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 90). Most typically we try to regulate others, because we don’t know how to sooth our own anxieties and insecurities. We need to become emotionally self-supporting. We need to validate ourselves. This is at the heart of emotional recovery and emotional maturity.
Often taken at night, the daily inventory is based on a review of the day that focusses on what we have done well and where we have not done so well. We need to be balanced in our self-appraisal. We are reconstructing our self-concept, and therefore we need to recognize what we have done well while we are evaluating where we need to admit a wrong or improve. Some of the questions we might ask ourselves are:
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- When did I feel good about myself today? How did I improve the situation I was in?
- When was I part of the solution rather than part of the problem?
- When did I stop, pause, and reflect on what was going on before reacting?
- Was I selfish and self-serving? Was I dishonest?
- Was I honest in all my interactions with others?
- Was I wrong but didn’t admit it?
- Am I justifying or rationalizing an inappropriate behaviour or reaction?
Some people complete a recovery progress checkup annually or semi-annually. They may meet with their sponsor, a trusted friend in recovery or their therapist to review the progress they have made. It is valuable to occasionally reflect on how far we have come, rather than only focussing on how far we have yet to go.
Step 10 helps us maintain the emotional maturity and integrity and healthy human relationships. We have experienced a personal transformation. We are well on our way to reconstructing ourselves. We have embarked on a major transformation of ourselves and our attitudes. The path has been treacherous and challenging, but persistent and honest effort, along with a good guide and a power greater than our false-self, has helped us discover a new understanding of ourselves in a path to healthier human connections. We have started to incorporate a design for daily living in our lives that keeps us emotionally balanced and in harmony with our true-self and with others.
(Adapted from the work of Allen Berger, and expert on the science of recovery).